Here I am, again...

I miss being able to saying I love you to someone and getting them back. 

I've finally reached the age where everyone around me is getting married, even my sister. I am really happy for her but.. I've always thought that I would be the one doing it earlier. HAHA!

Oh well, there's nothing left to say. Whenever I am here, it's always sad and shady. Fuck life.

My remedy

I miss having someone to talk to.
This feeling of loneliness is just indescribable.
So many things running in my mind,
But just too little to say.

I'll just leave everything to time.

Strangers, again

Nice to meet you again, blog! My only salvation when I have no idea on what to do, anymore.

She used to be my everything. A girl that's got brains, looks and above of all this, maturity.
A girl I thought that could never exist.

Every relationship goes through stages. Where and how each stage develops is ultimately up to each person. While we always hope for the best, we often can't avoid the inevitable.

1. The Meeting
All thanks to a good friend of mine, Amanda, I met this incredible girl. It all started when I got a call from her when I was working in Mid Valley, saying that she's with a friend in Zara and asked me to come look for them. Well, until today, I don't know if my decision that day on going down was right. But, I still did. Went over to Zara and we introduced each other and had a really long chat along the way, following the girls to window shop. I even had my very first cup of Gong Cha on that day and lost my phone cover after they've left. She gave me a really strong impression on how talkative she can be by keeping up with my conversation. Knowing me, once I start talking, you never never see the end of it :/

After that day, Tiesto was in town. I am not a fan of rave but somehow, I attended it because I knew she was going. I got her number from Amanda and actually asked her if she have anymore tickets to spare and thank god, she did!

From that day onwards, we headed over to the next phase. Some says it is the best part of a relationship, but I feel that it is the hardest phase to be in.


2. The Chase
While on the way to Tiesto, we were texting. As we all have experience, smiling and laughing retarded to yourself while reading a text message isn't exactly a thing you should do infront of your friends. But, I still did. Cally kept asking who I was texting and kept on teasing me until I finally told her who I was actually texting. That night was amazing. Not the music, but her.

After that night, we could never stop texting and calling each other. She's the only one I felt I needed to talk to. Even when I was playing dota, or with the boys, or smoking up or being in a management meeting, we just couldn't stop. If either of us stop texting, one would call.

We finally went on our first date during Christmas. I had everything planned out so well that I couldn't see how it will fall apart. But somehow, I panicked a few days before. My perfect plan suddenly seem so fragile. I lost confidence on myself. But I put myself together and went through it. Didn't exactly go accordingly but it'll do :D We talked about our self and shared almost everything with each other. It just never felt so right with someone, it is almost wrong.
I took everything slowly. Step by step. Things was going favorably to me
As our relationship started, we then took it to the next stage

3. The Honeymoon.

This is the time when we show each other what we've got by sharing our emotions with each other. Surprises came one after another and things were so perfect we though we are going to be each other's last. We talk about almost everything, even marriage. We do everything we always wanted to do as a couple together.

By the end of everything, we entered the stage where every long term relationship would go.

4. Comfortable
This is a stage where most of the couple make their biggest mistake in life. Taking each other for granted isn't exactly the thing to do. I took her for granted when I thought she would understand what I was going through at that time. Blinded by my own foolishness and selfishness, I did not take into consideration, her feelings.
I've uttered too many things to hurt her, so much that only she could still bare it with me. I just couldn't realise it at that point.

Things happened so gradually, I didn't even see it coming. I was stupid.

5. The breakup
After tons of fights and most of them, I don't even remember what it was about. But then, we couldn't reach an agreement that we can both deal with. Hence, I had to let her go. Things wasn't easy for us. We kept trying and trying but the timing was just never right anymore. I couldn't mend the holes I've left in her heart.

I just couldn't get her off my mind. Memories of us haunts me every night. Getting a proper sleep is almost impossible to me. I wish I could turn back time and just make things right again for us but nevertheless, what's done is done.

I never want to walk that path again

There's nothing that can describe how I feel right now. Remember when people use to tell you that there's a song for everything? Here's my song to what:

I really want this to work. Fingers crossed*

I don't know

I just realized that I've never spent Christmas before with any of my loves one before. But 1 thing I know for sure is that I've spent New Year with the one I loved once. The very first time I got to spend New years with was with you. I remembered the kiss that we had and the silly thing that I did to falling asleep while watching Tourist with you. I just can't stop myself to think about us when I see things that reminds me of you.

From Twilight to surprising you with roses to Inshin to a failed movie plan to your house for HIMYM. I could remember every single details of our journey.

I thought it'd be a never ending story, but I guess forever is a myth after all.
Know that, he's just a fling. He won't love you like I do. But I wish all that I think I know is just another mistake. I wouldn't want to watch you get hurt. Good luck girl! I'll be there when you need me the most.... If I'm the one you'll come to.




Now, I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus)

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.

Just want to see you in the wedding dress

From tequila to twilight, my life began to shine. Every memory that we once had will always haunt me. Seems like I somehow mix my own schedule with yours. I didn't know that you were leaving for the camp today. I thought I'd surprise you with movie tickets, and a bag full of your fav food to bring before you go for the camp. Though I've never like watching twilight, but this was the movie that we went for on our very first date. I miss you







I see you with your man and it's hard to understand
If we belong, if I did you wrong, where we even began
We would always fuss and fight and it seems nothing was right
But I loved you girl and you were my world but you'd never trust this guy
'Cause the things I do when I'm on the stage, they say I'm a superstar
You couldn't understand all the female fans and then we grew apart
And I just don't get when you're acting like some other person
But I try my best to hold on at the times when it ain't working
And everytime that you say it's over it breaks my heart and I don't know why
'Cause you've done it a lot of times in the past but I get back up and try
You said we could work it out, how could you hurt me now
And you moved on to the next, I'm left with an imperfect smile

This feeling is like none other than

I've been staring at the screen for a full 10minutes thinking of what to write. This is the only place I could express myself without letting anyone know what's going on. Today, I came work and not spilled even a single word to anyone. Walked right into the office and teared, for no particular reason. I know this feeling because I've felt this before and I know how it will end.

I looked at all 2787 of our messages from before and I just wish we could talk like that again. From all the messages, I see the process of our relationship. From us being strangers to a lovey dovey couple to our first break up, how hard you've tried to get back together and breaking up again and how I manage to get you back and how we broke up again for the third time. I miss every single thing about us. I could forgive everything that you've done just to have you back in my arms.

My heart is very very fragile at the moment. I could just break down any moment and I don't want that to happen. For I know, I'm not strong enough to put up with any of this, especially when I'm at work.

My eyes are swollen from all the crying. My stomach is rejecting everything I eat. My chest hurts everytime I cough. This feels really miserable. I don't know what I can do to make things better.

You've asked me to give you 1-2 weeks time alone to think about everything. Not just about us, about yourself as well. I somehow could predict the answer because I've always good at guessing things that are bad. I know how this will end up but I hope I'm wrong this time. Just for once, let miracle shine upon me and give me the chance to love you the way I should from the start.

Both of us are im-prefect humans. We tend to make mistakes. Therefore, we should get to know each other better from now and accept each other's flaws.

I love the way you eat.
I love the way you smile.
I love the way you talk me in to things.
I love the way you hug me to sleep.
I love the way you show me your love by doing disgusting things.
I love the way you kiss me.
I love the way you love me back.

I love everything about you. You've been the only one I think about when I wake up and before I go to bed. You're the one I'm willing to spend my hard earn money with. You're the one I always try to surprise just to see that smile of yours. You're the one whom I see in my future with. You are my only one.

You made me fragile.
You made me angry at silly things.
You made me do and say stupid things.
You made me who I am right now.
You made me to open my heart to love again.

I am clueless now. I feel so useless and defenseless. All I can do now is just sit and cry like a girl wishing you'd call or text. Now I only how you feel when I've done this before to you. This suck!

You can tell me you hate me, you can tell me to go away, you can hit me with that tiny hands of yours that can crush nothing but my heart, but I'll never stop saying I love you.
Come back to me and we'll walk this path TOGETHER again, but wiser.




Clueless and heartbroken,
wei jun